Diet Survivors™ newsletter July 2007
The newsletter for normal eaters
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Guilt and food anecdote |
Social guilt and personal guilt |
What to do about guilt and food |
The technical change |
The adaptive change
Guilt and food—a combustible combination
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An anecdote about guilt and food
with express permission from Linda Medico
Linda Medico of Commerce Township, MI, wanted to stop dieting. But it's not so easy when guilt and social pressure get in the way. Here are Linda's own words:
"I really deep down thought dieting is making me crazy. But when I would try to stop (I have been a Weight Watcher™ member for years) I would still binge, and I think the reason is I feel guilty not dieting. When I would go out to eat with my friends and don't order something a rabbit would eat, I get the comments, 'no more diet, huh?' Then I would come home and binge, thinking I was doing something wrong."
Quitting dieting is a rocky road (no pun intended). Linda ended up feeling guilty about eating normally, and only because of a well-meaning comment. It was enough to turn the old tape recorder back on in her head.
You know the tape we're talking about:
- I shouldn't be eating this
- My friends think I've failed
- I must have failed
- This hunger and fullness method is all wrong. It's a copout
- I've been a bad girl
- How can I expect to lose weight by eating normal food?
- I must comply with what my friends want me to do
- They think less of me now
Linda Medico, like so many of us, medicates her uncomfortable feelings, such as guilt, with food. But if we're going to trade in dieting for the hunger and fullness approach, we're bound to feel a little guilt from time to time about eating delicious food, leading us to again overeat to numb the feelings.
How, then, do we stop this vicious cycle? For one thing, we need to become thicker-skinned so that we reduce the guilt. Secondly, we need to learn how to tolerate twinges of guilt, rendering it innocuous, so that it doesn't lead us to destructive behavior. So let's look at guilt a little more closely.
Two related kinds of guilt
Guilt has its place in the human experience. It prevents us from shooting the neighbor who refuses to recycle, it drives us to apologize when we've blown up at an employee, and it propels us to play another mind-numbing game of Candyland with our four-year-old. But guilt can also be destructive. Dieting causes destructive, unnecessary guilt.
When you go on a diet, which we'll define here as any means of restricting the content of our food or eliminating a food group, we begin a mental list of good foods and bad foods. Most of the delicious foods we love, such as london broil with crispy potatoes and sauteed broccoli, or maybe breaded veal parmesan, fall into the bad food category.
All other foods come to be thought of as virtuous, such as linguine with fat-free clam sauce, or for you low-carb dieters, a virtuous food would be the cheeseburger-no-bun-no-ketchup.
As you can see, which foods are good and which foods are bad depend on which diet you're on.
Over time our two mental lists of good and bad foods grow longer and longer, and more opposing. We unwittingly and systematically end up teaching ourselves to feel guilty every time we eat something in the bad food category.
We'll refer to this kind of guilt about eating bad foods as personal guilt because it's not brought on by comments from other people. We manage to do this to ourselves without any help.
The diet industry has churned out hundreds of thousands of folks who live permanently with personal food guilt. Whether they are currently on or off a diet, they walk through life forever separating food into the two categories. They vacillate between good and bad foods. When they start a new diet, they begin again in earnest to stick only with the good foods.
Then, as their bodies and minds begin to rebel, they apply greater and greater amounts of willpower, until finally one day they "come to," as if having been in an alcoholic blackout, standing in front of the freezer, wolfing down a gallon of real sugar-laden, fat-laden butter pecan. The guilt is overwhelming, and can lead to further binges. The rebound effect can then last a day, a few weeks or it can go on for years. Unspeakable pounds later, they begin in earnest again, eating only the good foods.
Layered on top of the personal guilt is a second kind of guilt, such as the type our dear reader endured. We can think of this as social guilt.
Do you publicize to your friends and co-workers when you're on a diet, for purposes of accountability? Or to make yourself believe it or hear yourself say it? Many dieters are public about their diets, and this leads to social guilt. When you trade in your diet for a more natural approach of hunger and fullness, well-meaning friends now feel at liberty to comment. "Oh, you're off your diet again?" comes the query. They think you've failed, and by their measure, you have.
What to do about food and guilt?
It will take some work
"Oh, I've heard of that method," someone once said, in reference to the hunger and fullness approach. One of our readers complained that it certainly is not a method, but rather, a natural, God-given way to eat.
True, but when you consider all the guilt and self-talk we've built up around the unnatural methods of eating, it's no wonder that our grandmothers' way of eating is now considered a method!
It takes a lot of work to undo guilt. If you grew up in a strict religion or household that was guilt-based, or you know someone who did, you know this fact very well. But it can be done.
It's about self-talk
The basis of guilt is self-talk. If we can become a little aware of our self-talk, we'll gain more control over changing it. We can offer some replacement self-talk here, but remember—ultimately it's up to you whether you want to shed your guilt. If you think maybe you need your guilt, we suggest you go back one month to the to the previous newsletter, titled, Are your food issues your sacrificial lamb?
Here is some replacement self-talk to meditate on.
- I've quit dieting
- I believe in my own judgment now more than I've ever believed in myself before
- I may feel guilty, but I won't let it influence my choices
- Diets don't work for me, plain and simple
- There's no law (at least not in the state in which I live) that says I have to please my friends or family
- I've believed the lie that weight control requires suffering, and I'm sick of believing it
- All foods are "good," and I'd like to learn to eat well-balanced meals
- I'd like my meals to include fats, sugar, carbohydrates, protein, fruits and vegetables
- I'm getting good and angry about what I've believed until now, and that's healthy to do!
- Included in my new approach to eating will be a desire to eat healthy, which includes cholesterol-lowering fats (such as nuts, avocados, and fish) and an emphasis on whole grains
- I'm redefining what it means to feel good about what I eat
- I can eat this slice of chocolate cake because I stopped my entree while still slightly hungry, and because I love chocolate cake!
- I don't need anybody's permission but my own, and I give myself permission to eat delicious food
Remember that it's not enough to get rid of your negative self-talk. Cognitive therapists will tell you that negative self-talk reappears when we're vulnerable. And what diet struggler is not vulnerable?
Instead, you will gain a more permanent change in your world view if you go so far as to replace your negative self-talk with truisms and good judgment, such as the example self-talk above.
This month's technical change
Decide what you'll tell your friends
Whether it's your friends, your co-workers, or your family that plagues you most, (or maybe all three!) you'll probably need to have some kind of comeback for the innocent comments. Remember that you don't have to explain yourself to anybody. But we are social creatures, too, so you'll want to be prepared. It may be best to decide how you will start handling your social eating events before you're in the situation.
The next time someone says, "off the diet?", you could reply with a cryptic, "Oh I have a new outlook on weight control," and leave it at that. Or you could say, "Yes, and hopefully it's permanent. I'm sick of dieting." Another approach is to explain about hunger and fullness, but consider your listener carefully before disclosing this—many folks are still not open to anti-dieting and they might try to argue with you. Don't let anyone ruin your appetite!
It's so understandable that friends behave this way and you can forgive them. Think of how hard it's been even for you to shed your old beliefs!
Here's some homework: look for the next opportunity for social eating, and be prepared with what you'll say. Decide right now that you refuse to feel guilty about it, or at least you will not act on any residual twinges of guilt that come up. Like Commander Sulu of Star Trek, you'll set your phaser on stun, aim it at your guilt, and render it harmless.
Then get on the Yahoo! Diet Survivors™ message board, and tell us how you did.
This month's adaptive change
Give your guilt a good "talking-to"
Become aware of your guilty self-talk. Notice whenever you are wracked with food guilt, either about eating delicious food, or about ditching the diet. Whether it's personal guilt or social guilt, you'll need to raise your self-awareness a little.
Using your own good judgment and wisdom, think of some replacement self-talk. Find creative ways to dispel your guilt.
Adaptive change is about internal change. Much of the work of rejecting the diet mentality lies in the mind and beliefs. So take the time this month to meditate on this topic of food and guilt, and make up your mind about some changes you're going to make in your thinking.
Here's another fun topic to ponder: Think about the current food pyramid, published by the Department of Agriculture. Have you ever noticed the recommended portion size for fats and sweets? The recommend portion size is:
Use sparingly
How does "use sparingly" make you feel? Guilty? If you follow the rules of the food pyramid, then no matter how little you eat of those forbidden foods, you could have eaten even less. Think about how misguided these guidelines are and decide to reject them. Replace them with hunger, fullness, and appetite-driven selection of food.
Discuss this newsletter
You can talk about this newsletter with other readers. Visit our Diet Survivors™ group on Yahoo!
Julia Cameron from The Artist's Way
Learn more about the new book, How to Survive Your Diet, available now!
What is normal eating?
Visit our Diet Survivors™ group on
Yahoo!
Subscribe to this monthly newsletter
Guilt and food anecdote |
Social guilt and personal guilt |
What to do about guilt and food |
The technical change |
The adaptive change
Copyright © 2005, Linda E. Moran. All rights reserved.
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